Trivial Whinges of a Pig

So I have done that...

2009-11-18T01:43:03Z

and I've also researched the postgrad course that seems to make the most sense right now, and printed some shit off, and will potentially dive in with it at work tomorrow. There's also a book or two I want to borrow from work that caught my eye yesterday in the loft.

I have to write things as I remember them otherwise they'll be gone forever into the abyss.

General musings about a couple people's thinking.

2009-11-18T01:20:28Z

Firstly, they're not the two people who have inhabited my journal for more than the past year. Secondly, they're a pair of activist acquaintances, both of whom I consider pretty good allies to me at this point. Thirdly, I haven't actually read the shit that went down in detail yet because my concentration is really poor and I'm trying to get through a lot of reading currently before my brain completely decays, so all I've got is the gist and the want to probe others - the usual two. (Obviously I'm not a student with deadlines, but I like to finish things, and currently I have 4 books and an article started and not a one finished - this is my main reasoning for taking the coach not the train to London on Friday.)

The same old shit. Are people only allowed to critique things if they're on the 'inside' and part of the 'most' oppressed group? Is the most valid viewpoint only going to come from people who actually live rather than just theorise about multiplicity of identity? Does 'living it' make your viewpoint more worthy by default? I don't want to feel either peer pressured or intellectually that I should or shouldn't say or think certain things. I want to plunge into things and say 'look, I'm quite happy to be wrong if your response impresses me, but have you considered...?' How do you make a cohesive discourse to buy off all warring parties? I don't like feeling that both sides have a point; I don't like feeling that my loyalty is split because a fusion/singing from the same hymn sheet doesn't seem to be happening. Probably my biggest worry in life is that I won't come to a satisfactory conclusion either because one can't exist or worse, that I'm just not capable. And guys, this is so beyond just queer/trans it's not funny; queer/trans is just my base level or first point of critique of life.

Tonight I want to throw the Jin/Peter discussion at you both and face-lick you for your responses...I might do that now actually.

In other news, I'm not a big fan of shitty English miserable wet winter, especially working outside and seeing not very many kids. My motorbike packed in 10 days ago and dad keeps saying he'll fix it but I've told him he's better off just getting it to a garage and getting a quote to see if I should bother fixing it or just ebay it as is and get something that's bigger and has 12 months MOT. Work's work and to be fair I get good money for what I do. I'm 25 in a couple weeks which sounds really hideous in my head and I plan to see US Bombs in Sheffield and QYN meet the day before, and then Stand Out Riot and John Player Specials in Manchester on the actual day. Beer and cool bands, and I don't really care whether or not I have friends with me. Oh yeah and I plan to see the League Cup quarter final between City and Arsenal on 2nd Dec, just need to get myself a ticket - they went on sale yesterday.

So, I return...

2009-10-29T02:59:00Z

Yeah. Being in LA and having time out from my usual routine to really do what suited me was great. I was really hellishly nervous about seeing Naveen - sleeping and eating problems included - even to the point of running to the loo to vomit out of anxiety when my flight there was announced, but as soon as I landed everything was absolutely fine and relaxed and normal. Naveen's company and influence was really cathartic for me, she was good for me as she's always been. I rented a motorbike (pics on Facebook) for half the holiday and went trekking off to see beaches and mountains and towns and malls and Beverly Hills and Hollywood at night and stuff. I also hung out with Naveen and other Womens Studies and related PhD students, most of whom were doing really awesome stuff and I was a little bit envious and a little bit out of my depth at times, but relished the brain activity. I know that I want to do a work-relevant postgrad qualification with a project critiquing Kenneth Zucker with the social model of disability, backed up by Kate Bornstein and Julia Serano, it's just a matter of actually properly looking into what will be the best course/location/year to do it. I considered keeping a diary but decided against it cos even after the first day I knew I'd be coming back a lot more sorted than I was when I went there. Without meaning to dismiss my other friendships and connections with people as insignificant because they're not, I want the kind of understanding that I have with Naveen as a general rule to happen for me with other people more often. And yeah, I'm quite clearly going back to LA when I'm told to. I also did 24 hours in Chicago, mainly to see Cocksparrer and that was awesome and totally random.

In other news I'm clearly back at work and enjoying it especially as it's currently half term and we're doing stuff like pumpkin carving in parks :) I'm still peeved that youth centres are full of what I would call the wrong sort of people, frustrated that I don't get the same level of satisfaction out of that as I do with QYN/GYUK 'voluntary youth work', but it's paid so hey, and I'm also desensitising the mainstream to queers, which is maybe the best thing I can do at times. Though I did let a teenager dye my hair black and purple in a youth centre yesterday and it's turned out well so far. I also did medical trials a couple weeks ago and am invigilating a bit in the next couple weeks. I really have no plans about what I want to do or where I want to be when the playwork job I'm doing finishes in 18 months - the fact that my options are so wide really doesn't help. It'll sort itself I guess, I'll roll with whims like I have done so far.

Have done a couple games refereeing since I've been back and have also played a game and a bit for Oldham. They're technically not very good but they are a decent bunch and there's not like a massive sulk after a loss. We got hammered by Stockport at the weekend and I played the full 90 mins as an outfield player, right midfield then centre back. Haven't done that kind of exercise in years, especially as it was straight after refereeing 90 mins so I was tired before kick-off! I still ache a bit now but feel good for having done it, I feel good for enjoying shallow passions, 'the little things in life', like having a motorbike and going to gigs and stuff. StreetDogs on Halloween too at Academy 3 should be fun, saw them supporting Cocksparrer in Chicago too :)

MUSIC UPDATES
David Ford's tour dates aren't do-able this time.
Rachel Stamp return soon and I'll be seeing them again!
Star Fucking Hipsters new album is out and I must get it
The Casting Out SUCK for cancelling their Massachusetts show - I want to see them!
The Color Turning (sound like Placebo) are my latest fun find, saw their gig in LA

OK it's nearly 3am and I'd like to go to the gym and jacuzzi before 12noon work tomorrow so I better sleep.

Summary of recent months

2009-09-09T09:59:03Z

Work over summer was on the whole really good. Pretty much every weekend I've been away, busy, drinking, doing fun stuff all over England. Spending more money than I should have been in all fairness, but it's been generally good times of queer stuff and music. Pride London, Sparkle, Oldham Pride, QYN meet, Luke's birthday night out in London, Brighton Pride, Star Fucking Hipsters gig, Rebellion Festival, Camp Camp 09 with GYUK forumers, Reading Festival... I've hardly had any time to myself the past couple months other than a couple hours before bed daily, so I've enjoyed last weekend and the prospect of this weekend being more chilled out. El and I split up at Reading, don't really know what I think or feel about that yet really. I know he's having a tough time with pretty much everything in life and I'd rather not add to that. I'm booked to fly to LA to see Naveen in 11 days and have been told that my passports should be coming any day now. I feel really quite weird sometimes and a bit nervously sick as well as obviously excited, but I've booked it now and will be following through with going. Part of me keeps having an irrational fear that I am actually unwelcome and am actually stalking her. In other news I am signing on for Oldham Vixens footy team. They are really not very good but they are a friendly bunch and are happy to play me even though I can't train in evenings due to work. I've not played regular 11 a side footy in 5 years and want to get back into it at least for a while.

I need to go shower and go to work, we're doing an equipment inventory and ordering some more gear for the next term. Work with kids after school starts on Monday providing that leaflets are printed and distributed in time.

Boredom, contentedness and 'blocking' apathy

2009-07-13T01:01:57Z

I have a regular ritual kind of life and on the whole really appreciate that. I work 4 days doing jobs that are at least of some use to the population, and Friday-Sunday I'm generally in the company of socially-tuned-in queers. There are certain people and things I can do and places I regularly go in both Manchester and London on my weekends, it's all quite familiar and nice enough and I'm content with that. I'm not under the illusion that there is something somehow 'more' than this to life, apart from when I'm a character in fiction in my head. This is pretty cool and pretty good compared to what other people I know live like.

However, I'm a bit bored of the predictability in a way; I want more music to stalk, more books to buy, new interesting people in life who aren't from QYN or GYUK I guess. I just don't know where to look, I don't actually trust that most people are decent people who I would actually like to know, who would actually like to know me. I'm not in any way complaining that the QYN/GYUK crowd aren't good friends because they are. I don't really have a reason for being on the forums anymore, but I don't really know why I'm still there, when I can rest assured that there are now plenty of people saying what I would say. I don't want to go hide in queertopia, I want to expand these discussions to the mainstream, and it just sucks that in order to do that you have to do the really boring shite first and try to get people to be aware of the issues right from planting the first seed in their brains. That seed should already be there and it isn't because of the prejudice in the dominant ideology: to quote/paraphrase a couple of people "people should be decent because they're decent, not because they're queer and have been forced to think in a certain way".

So, I'm content/apathetic. Not really. I see everything that goes on on the forums and Facebook and what arrives in my inbox, but I don't dive in with both feet, raging and really emotionally attached to things because that's not productive for me. It's not productive for me to turn up at work late or angry or manic because of the internet. I don't like that however much I might apply myself to a certain issue, it makes fuck all difference. I don't like my enthusiasm wasted on projects that achieve nothing other than leaving me seethingly angry. I dislike talking honestly to people who already understand and are involved because rage and pain + rage and pain = too much acknowledgement. I guess this is why I've been trying to expand from thinking 'single-issue' to wider issues, in an attempt to make myself feel more insignificant and look at more things comparatively rather than in an absolute and freestanding way. And so, why do anything at all about anything? And so then my cynical flippant catchphrase "Humans are fucked whatever, someone hurry the fuck up and blow the world up, take the bastards down and make us all equal in being nothing". But then again sometimes I want to be all cute and nice to people cos someone else smiling and being appreciative of me is the only reason I work or do anything positive ever.

I really should write up my notes from the two lectures/debates I attended ages ago @ Manc Uni. I'm also currently reading Naomi Klein - The Shock Doctrine, which to anyone else who's read it should be evident in my expanded rant. It's all fine really, whether I say nothing or whether I release all my thoughts it doesn't really matter.

I know I haven't written in a while and that's how I wanted to keep it

2009-05-29T01:10:56Z

but hey, no harm in writing really.

I had a pleasant surprise in my inbox this morning, El's most recent Uni essay which is really fucking good. There should be a QYN/TYN academic essay blog because I know other people must have written good stuff too. I like the anger and frustration and passion which I see around me at the minute, people's impatience with how crap the world is, and their drive and determination to improve things. I like that STA and GSUK seem to almost be teaming up as a rival to PFC, onwards and upwards! Everyone is so politically aware and intelligent, five to ten years ago I never could have dreamed that I would genuinely like this many people's brains, and so I'm grateful that I'm living in an era and in a space where those discussions are taking place at a grassroots level, about issues that appeal to me, and I'm not a meaningless ant on my own fighting the tide.

I have a really jam packed tomorrow, at least a 12 hour working day, but I'm content. Bought two new CD albums last week, the new Manics one and the Star Fucking Hipsters one - SFH are a Leftover Crack spin-off band and they were mint live last week, really glad I went. Anti Flag and The King Blues played together in Kingston and that was really good too, and The Specials in Leeds was a mint night aswell.

Goodnight.

Something I wanted to post about an issue that has been flying around Facebook

2009-05-29T00:55:19Z

see quotes from my rant on Harri Cole Weeks' Facebook note:

If trans kids 'expressing gender variance' because they can't be in the NHS system yet can be protected by law, how come when you get to 18 years old the law no longer protects people expressing gender variance?

If PFC, EHRC and the govt can accept that transgender people who are not transsexuals exist, they are to at least some extent saying that the non-transsexual transgender people damn well deserve whatever other people want to do to them, that they deserve to be excluded from equality and liberation for their failure to fit neatly into a box. Even the HBSoC accepts that for some people experiencing gender dysphoria, having an androgynous appearance and identity is enough to alleviate their (less severe than transsexual) gender dysphoria.

If for example a trans person (at this point, transsexual or transgender politics irrelevant) is banned from entering single sex spaces such as some rape crisis centres, some forms of accomodation, most shop changing rooms and most sporting opportunities, there's fuck all point in having an equality bill becaue it isn't meeting the equalities needs of the people.

If at age 18 someone says 'yeah I'm still gender variant but don't want to be forced into either a sex change or my birth gender', why should they suddenly no longer be covered by a law which DID protect them? Surely that's discrimination against gender variant people based on age! If I'm perceived as being under 18 then am I protected?

It's as if gender variance is seen as something that should only be permitted up to a certain age, in the way that having an invisible friend when you're an adult is a mental health concern. Children who express gender variance don't suddenly overnight become binary transsexuals or cisgendered and heteronormatively-behaving. Many of them become adults who have had their gender variance bullied out of them, and they've been made to feel ashamed and embarrassed to express their individuality, and the fact that even transsexuals are encouraging this to continue happening is a disgrace.

I can't help but feel that for now at least...

2009-03-18T01:42:43Z

my work here is done. I'm satisfied with the number of and stature of people who understand what my bugbear of the last 10 years is, who are doing better more constructive things about it than I would ever bother doing. I am fucking lazy and fucking complacent now, but at the same time a hell of a lot more content than I've ever been before in my life. I'm really proud to know some of these people and really impressed that people get it, really glad that I've been loud and been heard and that other people can and want to take things forward. In an almost arrogant way I'm glad I don't feel all that pressure to stay involved in what has sometimes been a martyr-ish way. QYN/TYN, GYUK and GSUK amongst other organisations have other people to say what I've been saying, so there's no point in me talking anymore, in person or online actually.

In other news, my mania has been fuelled by news of Rachel Stamp's first gig in over 5 years, Friday April 10th in Islington Academy, London. I meant to see them years ago but for various reasons never got round to it. Woop!

Xtastering

2009-03-03T18:23:42Z

I have been talking and thinking a fair bit today

2009-02-20T00:08:33Z

both at work and when I got back from playing badminton with some random guy rom Gumtree - which was fun. I'm pretty content, happy even, with work the past few weeks, and I hope it stays like that now for the foreseeable future. I'm enjoying being relaxed and carefree most of the time, and being enthusiastic not just for the children but for myself. I still don't know whether I want summer to hurry up or to not come at all. For the past few months when I'm in a good mood it's been quite a bit down to someone, and that's not really fair, when someone else has to pick up the pieces. I know it's not fair, and it does bother me, and I'm aware that it might bother you more than you let on, and I really do appreciate your understanding, sympathy and patience with me El.

I should write more because I do think more than I did...

2009-02-17T02:02:18Z

but in fact I've been talking more and posting more online and so I tend to be ranted out by the time I get round to journalling, and forget what it was that I was thinking about or triggered by that day. To be honest, to a large extent it feels like these things that people are talking about are really far over my head and I don't actually know what to think, or what is the best informed opinion, or what camp I want to put myself in. Maybe I should just put some summary sentences, so that in 5 years time I can have a look back and see what actually became of these questions, rather than being my usual discreet journally self.

ID cards - do we need them in addition to passports? Plus the planned laws regarding trans people and ID cards and ID card change/multiple ID cards is a disgusting fiasco which pretty much undoes the decent work of the past few years. I however don't plan on going anywhere that I'm likely to be taunted maliciously or fear for my life if I open my mouth, and I'm grateful for that.

Westboro Baptist Church - Fred Phelps et al may be coming to Basingstoke (Hampshire?) on Friday to protest against the screening of The Laramie Project. Basically they're protesting for the right of 'normal' people to murder gay people in cold blood. QYN are protesting it, I have work, I think WBC are a joke as it is. Let them in and be visibly shouting them down - all publicity is good publicity, or ban them from the UK and have that be one step towards the state silencing or buying off ANY radical thought...(which tbh I think it does a fairly decent job at anyway, so continuing that might be a good plan). There's a difference between preaching hate and preaching love - preaching hate has no positive value for anyone - the hated behaviours will happen anyway. Logic can't flatten these viewpoints, what will?!

UMSU 'snail' article - an anonymous article in the Manchester student newspaper slags off androgynous people, basically claiming that binary gender is necessary in order to avoid confusion and havoc - genderless people are like snails. Us snails and snail admirers quite like that actually, and if you're scared of your own internalised homophobia you better get that seen to!

Scandal Dad at 13 malarkey - I really hope the teenagers and their kid get well supported by the local council and by both sets of grandparents. You can imagine the vicious circle obviously, but I think with a decent amount of support and parenting lessons/practical advice and help they might not be as bad at parenting as plenty of people older than them are. I mean, if it was up to me, I'd want to take a hell of a lot more kids away from their families (including extended families - because chances are the fuckup wasn't just a bad apple, it was the trend) and put them with foster carers or have them for adoption. I'd love to give more kids a better start in life with people who have a better clue. How much you are biologically related to or how much you love some child doesn't mean that you have any idea what is best for it. I think the education should be better, and more thorough, and start from a younger age, but to be honest, people are having unprotected sex and don't actually care if they get an STI or a kid out of it. They're apathetic and have nothing to lose, they don't value their own lives, they don't have any self esteem - no matter how much education you give someone they have to want to listen and choose the right thing for themselves. You can have as many lessons/tv programmes/websites/leaflets etc about sex and relationships, but you have to actually want to be mature if any of it is gonna actually sink in. I also think the emphasis on doing nice things other than unprotected penetrative sex, and valuing the same things you value in your best friends in your sexual partners is a good thing. (copied from my GYUK posts actually)

Reclaim The Night March (Manchester) - I'm glad it's been announced as 'open to all genders' officially, with no obvious sectioning off like last year. LGBT people get shit from straight men just the same as straight women do, and it's all rooted in sexism. (=binary centrism=transphobia=homophobia). I intend to be there with the TYN banner and my squealy referee whistle and with any luck some friends who are actual real allies for everything I believe in.

In other news, other than my thoughts, work has been pretty good so far this week (ie today) - decent weather, plenty of kids and I really had a good time this past weekend and pretty much all of it was spent in the sole company of El - not that that's a bad thing! We saw High Society, (Maxi looked fit as ever and their set was short as ever), saw Bolt at the cinema (and the hamster Rhino was even better than in the trailers!), had Nandos then saw Reel Big Fish (who were pretty fun but nothing amazing), did some errands collecting a fit 24" wheel old school BMX cruiser and some stuff for work and then saw Complicit at the Old Vic theatre, watched Teeth and Velvet Goldmine after going for a muddy bike ride...so a jam packed weekend! I did almost 8 miles on my new BMX (Putney Bridge to King's Cross) which made my arse hurt, but my knee seems to have handled it fine.

Recent life...

2009-01-29T01:23:18Z

has been a bit boring and nothingy, repetitive and missing things I enjoy, and I spent last weekend doing 5 different LGBTQ things in London. I really need a life and passion beyond that, but my only other reliable thing - music - is being really rather shit at the moment and I want some inspiration. I mean, identity politics really IS everything, there IS nothing else and nothing beyond that. Somewhat glad and somewhat miffed that you both agree. I know I need to start reading and writing proper stuff for pleasure and prodding other people again, and that's hard when I only wake up in time to go to work, and when I return home it's 9.30pm and I just want to eat junk and have casual conversation with people. I got Skype at the end of last week and it's making me feel a load less angsty, and that means I have more patience to listen to El and not just be civil because it's expected. I know El's having a tough time due to Uni and trans stuff (somewhat related) and I haven't had the patience or desire to be useful lately, I want a constant drip-feed injection of fun when I'm not at work, and it's not been happening. Day job has been annoying but I've got colleagues to share grumbles with, and we start properly this coming Monday - no more trial runs and promo shit, or time wasted in the office, yay! Knee is healing well, I should have plenty of money to do my full motorbike test within the next month or two, and I'm gonna start going to the gym a lot more. So, hopefully this more upbeat time will continue until the weather picks up and I'm naturally more perky and optimistic.

Frustration is the buzzword of today

2009-01-23T01:12:38Z

Day job is frustrating because when I'm told that something is my project and that I don't need to as permissions etc just need to do it, I'm told that after I've done what's been asked of me that someone else higher up the social food chain wants to change things here and there to things that I as the grassroots person really don't think is productive at this time of year. But what do I know huh? Stick all your strategies and area plans up your arse and don't waste my sodding time and hold me back while you tweak things that I had ready to roll! Jesus. I don't do this office bullshit, I haven't got the patience with adults that I have with kids.

Evening jobs are fine really, not at all what I expected 2 years ago but I've come to accept them for what they are. Basicaly means switch off from caring so much.

Naveen asked me to get a Skype headset so we could talk more, so I got one, and she didn't show up online at the time we'd agreed last night - rather annoyed me to be honest, but I'm glad I've managed to figure out how to do it with wires and installing and stuff now and not in a rush.

I'm glad El's deadlines have been and gone for this week, I have to be honest and admit that in a selfish way. Talking to a stresshead all the time isn't fun. I'll leave it at that.

I bought a pair of trainers off ebay and they're fakes, so I've had to get them verified as fakes by a sports shop manager and put in a paypal claim and hope that doesn't take months. meh.

I have a packed weekend of queerness, and plan on seeing Scarlet Soho tomorrow night as a break from queerness. I've been to the gym for the first time in over 2 months yesterday, have refereed 3 football games since my knee op, everything seems to be going OK with that, I just need to build the muscle up. Have been to the cinema quite a bit the past month, seen Tale of Despereaux, Yes Man, Role Models and Bedtime Stories. Really looking forward to Bolt coming out too! There's a hyperactive fat hamster in it, I love Disney Pixar!

http://www.azarnes.com/fanfic.html

2009-01-12T01:23:21Z

I just remembered this from my college years, and it still exists. 'The Dead Come Knocking' or something like that, plus images in my head of Poppy Z Brite books, plus the music scene I was in during those years, is the world I want to live in. Disney Pixar style. I get really tempted every now and then to create a false reality in my head and live in that all the time that I'm not actually at work.

jp @ 2009-01-09T00:06:00

2009-01-09T00:06:39Z

Smoked weed -- £10
Did acid or pills -- £5
Ever had sex at church -- £25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- £40
Had sex with someone on MySpace/Facebook/Bebo etc -- £25
Had sex for money -- £100
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- £20
Vandalised something -- £20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- £10
Beat up someone -- £20
Been jumped -- £10
Cross dressed -- £10
Given money to stripper -- £25
Been in love with a stripper -- £20
Kissed someone who's name you didn't know -- £0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- £15
Ever drive and drank -- £20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- £50
Used toys while having sex -- £30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- £20
Went skinny dipping -- £5
Had sex in a pool -- £20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- £10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- £20
Cheated on your significant other -- £10
Masturbated -- £10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- £20
Done oral -- £5
Got oral -- £5
Done / got oral in a vehicle while it was moving -- £25
Stole something -- £10
Had sex with someone in jail -- £25
Made a nasty home video or took pictures -- £15
Had a threesome -- £50
Had sex in public -- £20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- £25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred quid-- £20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- £20
Had sex with someone under the age accepted by rule of thumb (half your age plus 7) -- £25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time-- £50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- £25
Went streaking -- £5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- £15
Been arrested -- £5
Spent time in jail -- £15
Pissed in the pool -- £0.50
Played spin the bottle -- £5
Done something you regret -- £20
Had sex with your best friend -- £20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- £25
Had anal sex -- £80
Lied to your mate -- £5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- £25

Tally it up and title it: "My Fine Is..."

whats your score?

mine's over 600...

Recently...

2008-12-23T23:55:48Z

I have been lazing about in front of the TV for the first time in a while, and it has been good.

My birthday was good, thanks to all those who turned up at some point over the weekend or texted me wishing me a happy birthday, it was really enjoyable.

Since then I've had my knee operation and had a week in London and a week (almost) back home. I've also had a 24 hour tummy bug and some issues with my throat and glands, but they seem to have sorted themselves with the amount of sleep I've been having! But I might as well sleep, seeing as I can't do anything active, and sitting in pubs is about the only other thing I can currently do because my knee is still quite swollen. Had my stitches out today which made me feel a bit queasy, but I generally fel pretty good. Dad's had a pacemaker fitted last week and says he feels it's added years to his life, and my brother finally got home from Uni in Boston, (Massachusetts, USA) where he's apparently played in bands with the bassist from Alien Ant Farm. I'm vaguely missing work and can't wait to be able to run around again, but am glad at the time off at this nasty end of the year!

Hope you all have a good Christmas or whatever if anything you celebrate - it's Christmas here, but not for any particular reason religiously...

My next few days...

2008-12-05T00:05:14Z

Friday

Haircut
Birthday lunch with parents
Get ticket for City game
Watch the 'Feminist take on transsexualism' debate or whatever it's called at MMU
Get the train to London and see my El and Pendulum!

Saturday

Watch City game at Fulham
Gendered Intelligence Xmas Party
Pubs
Stay Beautiful clubnight

Sunday

Cook and eat a Xmas dinner
Have a jam with whoever's around
Get train back home

Monday

7.30am I have to be in hospital to have my first knee operation.

Random Waffle c&p

2008-12-05T00:00:17Z

I feel like a bastard for complaining about anything in my life, because I know that logically I have very little to be unhappy with. I don't ever want to be accused of taking anything for granted, I'm really lucky and grateful that I have the life that I have. I'm not short of material things or friends or cool places to hang out, so I guess I feel guilty for being annoyed at the lack of intellectually stressful things in my head. I know I can do something about that, but I'm waiting for some topic to really grab me and inspire me, I don't want grad school to be a waste and just done for the sake of it, like Uni was, to some extent. My obsessions and addictions aren't satisfying me, and I'm still interested in them, I'm just less bothered and passionate about them. That goes for academic stuff, queer politics, music, I used to love these more than most people. And now I pretty much only love or even vaguely care about people who are still passionate about these things.

I still hate the inequality, unfairness and self-preservation-at-the-expense-of-others that goes on everywhere. I hate people who just accept the status quo and are too scared on any level to have a spine and stand up and stand out. I see the kids I work with who have issues at home/school/with drugs/with crime and they don't value themselves, they have no self esteem and don't care if they don't get a job ever or if they die next week, or they're so panicked about all of the above that they shut down and accept their lives as they are and they seem to be scared of admitting they want more from life in case they don't get it. I guess that applies to me too. I can go into any job or project with all the passion and enthusiasm in the world, motivated to inspire people to aim for better in the long term, but I'm hideously impatient and I don't want to have to wait years for tiny results. I'm incredibly proud of most of my friends, for all the shit some of them have gone through and come out the other side so fucking strong, I want to see that from the kids I'm paid to work with. And also I want to do what I do for my mates for kids that actually are seeking better but being given a shit youth service elsewhere. Meh. I guess I don't really hate people, I just have high expectations and am disappointed with humanity, same as paragraph above.

I love seeing people's self esteem boosted and life chances improved. I love being part of that process, the few times I see it come together. But when people are apathetic, blocking their own fears and being tossers out of boredom and frustration, it really bothers me. And I do see it as my personal failure, and I do hate them, because I have all of me to invest in humanity, and if they're just going to be bastards and waste time of mine that could be better spent elsewhere, I do hate them and want to wipe them off the face of the planet. Shit, this is all the same topic really. I have all this energy and enthusiasm, and if I don't feel like I've done some good in kids' lives at least 7 days a week, I've wasted my time and failed. I hate myself for that, but at the same time realise that I at least try. But trying sometimes doesn't cut it for me, and I get as frustrated and apathetic and bored of this crap as they do.

I don't know what else to do as a job or how to have relationships if I'm not being the knight. My own knights, in books and music and real life, in the end suck, and let me down, because I realise that I'm more and better than all of them when I apply myself. And that worries me! Hehe. I've promised myself I will buy Richard Dawkins and Naomi Klein's newest books with my Christmas money to give me a kick up the arse.

Weird dreams of not being able to distinguish between people...

2008-12-03T13:18:18Z

and not really wanting to either, because I'm not bothered where nice things come from as long as I get them.

I'm having my lunch then am off to see if I can buy a cheap sledge for work because there's still a thick layer of snow outside, but the roads are pretty clear now (apart from side streets) so I have to go to work.

In other news, I've just had a phonecall saying my first knee operation is this Monday. Guess it's the ideal time to have an operation really, what with weather being crap and me having 2 weeks off for Xmas booked! I still plan on going into my jobs as much as possible until the holidays though, no point wasting holiday and sick time if I don't really need it!

oh god, another private one?! No, I have a spine

2008-12-02T00:16:01Z

I don't know what the point in writing private ones is, because I have spoken to a few people who know me and read my journal about the thing(s) I'm writing about privately here. I guess I'm just embarrassed at actually wanting to record that I feel like this, and I'm not some childish 17 year old anymore so I should know better! I feel really stupid for having feelings for Naveen. And I don't really know her well at all, all things considered. And what does she do that El doesn't? Well, nothing I can't immediately point out. Would I still be as interested in Naveen as a person if knew her as well as I know El? Maybe she is just novelty. Shit. I have no idea. But the fact that things are how they are...it's both cool and frustrating.

I'm currently quite detatched and switched off emotionally from caring about...pretty much everything - other than Naveen and El (when prompted). When things like work or stupid people bother me, I'm fired up with anger and passion for a few seconds, then I tell myself to let it go and just walk away and forget it. And I do genuinely forget it. I can't retain any information hardly, and I don't have a 'gut feeling' reaction to it later on. It's only annoying when I go to a gig and enjoy the music and smile, but not feel the intense connection and inspiration I used to feel. But at the same time, this is all fine and I have a good life! And a fair few people who I enjoy spending time with and talking to, and places I can go and really be whatever I want in. I enjoy not having a double life.

I want to write things that I don't think I should.

2008-11-14T02:03:06Z

This evening I have been made manic by...
(a couple huge messages from Naveen which made me smile and cry)

AND... this event which I have applied for a ticket to.

This event seems to be causing more than a little bit of controversy given
the protests against Stonewall's recent nomination for Julie Bindel as
journalist of the year at their awards ceremony. It also comes at a time
when there seems to be some argument over the role of various Trans
organisations, who they represent, and how.

So I suspect the following event will be one that is going to be quite fiery.

The Manchester Metropolitan University School of law
The Manchester Institute for Social and Spatial Transformations

A Feminist Perspective on the Transsexual Debate

Friday 5th December 2pm-5pm, The School of Law, Manchester Metropolitan
University, M16 6HB – just off Oxford Rd.

Julie Bindel, Guardian Journalist, nominee for the Stonewall Journalist of
the Year 2008, author of “Women Overcoming Violence and Abuse”, and “The
Map of My Life: The Story of Emma Humphreys”

Dr. Susan Stryker, Women’s Studies, the University of Illinois, Visiting
Professor, Harvard University, Author of “The Trans Studies Reader”, and
“Transgender History”

Chair: Prof. Stephen Whittle, MMU School of Law, author of “Respect and
Equality: Transsexual and Transgender Rights” and “The Trans Studies
Reader”.

Public Attendance Cost: £12 or £5 on benefits (evidence of benefits must
be produce at door).

Free for MMU Staff and Students, ticketless entrance: your staff or
student card must be shown at the door.

People who are not MMU staff or students must apply for tickets. Without a
ticket you will be refused entrance to this event.

To apply for tickets:

Email: send Full details , indicating the number of tickets, to David
Hulme, d.hulme@mmu.ac.uk. Please send a separate cheque for the correct
amount by postal mail to Dave at the address below. Admittance will not be
allowed without payment.

Postal Mail: send Full details , indicating the number & type of tickets,
with a cheque for payment to: David Hulme, The School of Law Office
Sandra Burslem Building, Manchester Metropolitan University
Lower Ormond St, Manchester M15 6HB.

For details of the venue look for Building no.19 on the map at:
http://www.mmu.ac.uk/travel/maps/mmu_maps_...ytoun.pdf"

Meh.

2008-11-11T20:55:38Z

Bands I love turn into bands I'm annoyed with and frustrated by, nothing lives up to what I want from it - bands, people, books, education, work...

Just been looking round Myspace for some gigs to look forward to, and have found out that Fear Of Music have split and Hell Is For Heroes are splitting in a week. It just disappoints me when bands give up when they get dropped. It wasn't about money or fame when you started, it was about a hobby, a passion, and somehow that got lost along the way. Pretty soon there's gonna be nothing left of what was the music scene from my youth, and I don't know whether to join them in their apparent apathy, or be angry with them. Bands are like people to me, and generally matter more than the vast majority of people.

Loads of fun music this week actually!

2008-11-09T15:26:56Z

So other than Rancid on Monday, I went to LGYM on Tuesday night as I didn't have work and it's always nice to have casual chilled out vaguely useful conversations. Wednesday I went out for a firework display with Monki in Fallowfield followed by good steak and chips in a pub and then ice cream from some Turkish ice cream place in Rusholme, it was really good! Thursday was the Flogging Molly gig, they and their supports were good, though Skindred weren't best suited to the rest of the lineup (but I don't know who else I'd put on a bill with Skindred...). Friday was The Fractions supporting Rancid in Sheffield, which was an early gig so I got back to Manc in time to get a ticket for Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip off a tout for a tenner, stayed for an hour and then went home. That was a good night! Slept in late yesterday and then went to see the Justice DVD screening at Mint Lounge then their set at Warehouse Project cos I was Xtastering for them. That was really good, but I only stayed for the first 45mins cos I was really tired and wanted my bed rather than another 45mins of being squished.

Today I might go play football in a friendly for Manchester Jays against Man Met Uni, if I can be bothered because it's raining and do I really fancy a 25 mile round trip just for a game of footy in which knowing my luck I might get hurt in? I have just over an hour to decide really.

Work is going well, though Bury have messed me around and changed their Tuesday evening opening to a Monday, when I'm already working for Bolton, and I can't change my Bolton days so I will have to work at a different centre in Bury on Tuesdays or have an evening trimmed off my contract.

Moving forwards from Bindel and Stonewall to...what?

2008-11-08T17:06:43Z

Crossposted - and because I've been writing this journal since 2001 and I have much the same sentiments still.

This seems to be going round a few people's heads at the moment, where do we go next? Is there an agreement that there can be an ideological space created that is inclusive of all factions including (above and beyond):

Genderqueer
Transsexual
Lesbian
Feminist
Humanist

Because surely all these groups are actually about increasing the respect for and rights of all human beings.

Personally, I don't see the need for myself having a binary gender, or even a gender at all - but I realise that by observing others who clearly do and define as a gender, that there might be a place for that in an inclusive diverse ideology that also includes me. Some feminist and transsexual factions are just as binary as patriarchal society as a whole, speaking about men and women doing womens and mens things, when really people are people first.

People wanting gay marriage and gay adoption rights (amongst other things) should first be calling for a real thorough questioning of why we label people men and women, and so gay and straight. Think about how a couple could be in a seemingly 'straight marriage' but might have the same genitalia - and how a couple in a seemingly 'gay civil partnership' might not have the same genitalia - trans people, binary and not, are already fucking with your world, undoing it from the inside. Sure it may be due to medical defects or psychological issues which are then corrected to the best abilities of the medical world, but surely not having MALE and FEMALE (and therefore 'straight' and 'gay') stamped on everybody from birth, and leaving everyone to choose their own bodies and roles as far as is medically possible, would be better for all.

the election

2008-11-05T16:17:51Z

As one of few people on here able to vote in this election (by way of my mum being American and me having dual citizenship) I am also really pleased he's got in.

However, my mum sent round a 'wahey!' email to all her contact list, didn't BCC it, and one of her supposed friends emailed all my mums contact list back saying she doesn't share her joy because Obama celebrates killing because of his abortion ideas, and she's a Catholic.

Ugh, I have no time whatsoever for people who base their bigoted and outdated views on the back of religions that they follow blindly. Fuck religion, if he'd have lost I'd have been really fucking furious with bitches like you.