| 12:53a |
Boredom, contentedness and 'blocking' apathy
I have a regular ritual kind of life and on the whole really appreciate that. I work 4 days doing jobs that are at least of some use to the population, and Friday-Sunday I'm generally in the company of socially-tuned-in queers. There are certain people and things I can do and places I regularly go in both Manchester and London on my weekends, it's all quite familiar and nice enough and I'm content with that. I'm not under the illusion that there is something somehow 'more' than this to life, apart from when I'm a character in fiction in my head. This is pretty cool and pretty good compared to what other people I know live like.
However, I'm a bit bored of the predictability in a way; I want more music to stalk, more books to buy, new interesting people in life who aren't from QYN or GYUK I guess. I just don't know where to look, I don't actually trust that most people are decent people who I would actually like to know, who would actually like to know me. I'm not in any way complaining that the QYN/GYUK crowd aren't good friends because they are. I don't really have a reason for being on the forums anymore, but I don't really know why I'm still there, when I can rest assured that there are now plenty of people saying what I would say. I don't want to go hide in queertopia, I want to expand these discussions to the mainstream, and it just sucks that in order to do that you have to do the really boring shite first and try to get people to be aware of the issues right from planting the first seed in their brains. That seed should already be there and it isn't because of the prejudice in the dominant ideology: to quote/paraphrase a couple of people "people should be decent because they're decent, not because they're queer and have been forced to think in a certain way".
So, I'm content/apathetic. Not really. I see everything that goes on on the forums and Facebook and what arrives in my inbox, but I don't dive in with both feet, raging and really emotionally attached to things because that's not productive for me. It's not productive for me to turn up at work late or angry or manic because of the internet. I don't like that however much I might apply myself to a certain issue, it makes fuck all difference. I don't like my enthusiasm wasted on projects that achieve nothing other than leaving me seethingly angry. I dislike talking honestly to people who already understand and are involved because rage and pain + rage and pain = too much acknowledgement. I guess this is why I've been trying to expand from thinking 'single-issue' to wider issues, in an attempt to make myself feel more insignificant and look at more things comparatively rather than in an absolute and freestanding way. And so, why do anything at all about anything? And so then my cynical flippant catchphrase "Humans are fucked whatever, someone hurry the fuck up and blow the world up, take the bastards down and make us all equal in being nothing". But then again sometimes I want to be all cute and nice to people cos someone else smiling and being appreciative of me is the only reason I work or do anything positive ever.
I really should write up my notes from the two lectures/debates I attended ages ago @ Manc Uni. I'm also currently reading Naomi Klein - The Shock Doctrine, which to anyone else who's read it should be evident in my expanded rant. It's all fine really, whether I say nothing or whether I release all my thoughts it doesn't really matter. |