Random Waffle c&p
I feel like a bastard for complaining about anything in my life, because I know that logically I have very little to be unhappy with. I don't ever want to be accused of taking anything for granted, I'm really lucky and grateful that I have the life that I have. I'm not short of material things or friends or cool places to hang out, so I guess I feel guilty for being annoyed at the lack of intellectually stressful things in my head. I know I can do something about that, but I'm waiting for some topic to really grab me and inspire me, I don't want grad school to be a waste and just done for the sake of it, like Uni was, to some extent. My obsessions and addictions aren't satisfying me, and I'm still interested in them, I'm just less bothered and passionate about them. That goes for academic stuff, queer politics, music, I used to love these more than most people. And now I pretty much only love or even vaguely care about people who are still passionate about these things.


I still hate the inequality, unfairness and self-preservation-at-the-expense-of-others that goes on everywhere. I hate people who just accept the status quo and are too scared on any level to have a spine and stand up and stand out. I see the kids I work with who have issues at home/school/with drugs/with crime and they don't value themselves, they have no self esteem and don't care if they don't get a job ever or if they die next week, or they're so panicked about all of the above that they shut down and accept their lives as they are and they seem to be scared of admitting they want more from life in case they don't get it. I guess that applies to me too. I can go into any job or project with all the passion and enthusiasm in the world, motivated to inspire people to aim for better in the long term, but I'm hideously impatient and I don't want to have to wait years for tiny results. I'm incredibly proud of most of my friends, for all the shit some of them have gone through and come out the other side so fucking strong, I want to see that from the kids I'm paid to work with. And also I want to do what I do for my mates for kids that actually are seeking better but being given a shit youth service elsewhere. Meh. I guess I don't really hate people, I just have high expectations and am disappointed with humanity, same as paragraph above.

I love seeing people's self esteem boosted and life chances improved. I love being part of that process, the few times I see it come together. But when people are apathetic, blocking their own fears and being tossers out of boredom and frustration, it really bothers me. And I do see it as my personal failure, and I do hate them, because I have all of me to invest in humanity, and if they're just going to be bastards and waste time of mine that could be better spent elsewhere, I do hate them and want to wipe them off the face of the planet. Shit, this is all the same topic really. I have all this energy and enthusiasm, and if I don't feel like I've done some good in kids' lives at least 7 days a week, I've wasted my time and failed. I hate myself for that, but at the same time realise that I at least try. But trying sometimes doesn't cut it for me, and I get as frustrated and apathetic and bored of this crap as they do.

I don't know what else to do as a job or how to have relationships if I'm not being the knight. My own knights, in books and music and real life, in the end suck, and let me down, because I realise that I'm more and better than all of them when I apply myself. And that worries me! Hehe. I've promised myself I will buy Richard Dawkins and Naomi Klein's newest books with my Christmas money to give me a kick up the arse.