oh god, another private one?! No, I have a spine
I don't know what the point in writing private ones is, because I have spoken to a few people who know me and read my journal about the thing(s) I'm writing about privately here. I guess I'm just embarrassed at actually wanting to record that I feel like this, and I'm not some childish 17 year old anymore so I should know better! I feel really stupid for having feelings for Naveen. And I don't really know her well at all, all things considered. And what does she do that El doesn't? Well, nothing I can't immediately point out. Would I still be as interested in Naveen as a person if knew her as well as I know El? Maybe she is just novelty. Shit. I have no idea. But the fact that things are how they are...it's both cool and frustrating.

I'm currently quite detatched and switched off emotionally from caring about...pretty much everything - other than Naveen and El (when prompted). When things like work or stupid people bother me, I'm fired up with anger and passion for a few seconds, then I tell myself to let it go and just walk away and forget it. And I do genuinely forget it. I can't retain any information hardly, and I don't have a 'gut feeling' reaction to it later on. It's only annoying when I go to a gig and enjoy the music and smile, but not feel the intense connection and inspiration I used to feel. But at the same time, this is all fine and I have a good life! And a fair few people who I enjoy spending time with and talking to, and places I can go and really be whatever I want in. I enjoy not having a double life.